Forgiveness Myth: Trapping Rape Survivors

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A common myth leveled at survivors of rape and abuse is that we need to “forgive” our rapists in order to begin to heal ourselves.  Rape is always made about how the victim responds to it.  How we BUILD CHARACTER from trauma.  What we LEARN.

Fuck all that.

It is an act of self-respect and preservation to not forgive.  What happens when a woman decides to forgive her rapist?  She “heals” and is now able to “love” again.

What does it mean to heal and love again?  To be willing to put ourselves into situations with men where we are going to be fucked.  All this methodology is about making it so that women return to relationships with men.  It is a fundamental part of compulsory heterosexuality.  We take what we have learned about the nature of men, what they have done to our bodies and we subvert it.  We tell ourselves that it was an isolated incident.  That it was one bad man.  We ignore the reality of what the class of people known as men are actually doing to women all over the world.  You see, the rape was just an individual hardship to get through.  A curveball life threw our way.  Not the result of a sex class system that designates women as a target.

The mental strife we live with after the fact, the PTSD, flashbacks, inability to cope with certain aspects of life.  The complete shutdown of certain parts of our mind then become OUR problem.  Survivors have to live with these feelings of “If I only did ____” then I would be okay.  When we forgive men who have gone out of their way to hurt us we are betraying ourselves, leaving ourselves to be the ones to blame for what is the natural fall out of exposure to life-altering trauma.  To forgive the perpetrator is to blame the victim.  To forgive the perpetrator is to set up a system in which men who are not sorry are given a free pass to continue their crimes.  It puts the emphasis back on women’s choices.

The only people we need to forgive is ourselves.  Let go of your anger at yourself for having trusted untrustworthy people.  Let go of your anger at yourself for being naive.  Forgive yourself for not knowing what to do in a situation.  Forgive yourself for dissociating. Forgive yourself for not fighting back.  Forgive yourself for not going to the proper authorities.  Forgive yourself for going to the proper authorities.  Forgive yourself for making unwise choices.  Let go of guilt for making choices in extreme situations without all the information in the world available to you.

Because you truly deserve forgiveness in your life and those that hurt you do not.