In my heart, I knew I had never had sex. In my mind came the flash backs of forced entry and bruised consciousness. I tried to reconcile, was I a 'Pure Virgin' if I had been molested? Does it count against my purity? Had I failed to keep my body as a living sacrifice by being assaulted?

For years I told no one. I battled this duplicitous thought pattern on my own until finally at 23 I went to therapy. It is there that I shared for the first time with someone that I had been molested as a child. That I had been raped as a grown woman at 20. That I felt guilt and remorse preceding my "first time" with my then boyfriend. I had maintained I had "never been touched" for too many painful and confusing years. I felt I had to, to protect myself and because I was confused about my blame. It is absolutely horrible that we live in a society that blames little girls for the gross abuses of full grown men.

How indeed, does a girl child, reconcile "never been touched" in a sexually consenting situation with unwanted touches, and stolen innocence? How to make sense of this while an ever increasing familial and religious pressure to "keep my body as a living sacrifice. Holy and acceptable" before a male god surrounded me? A male god who considered me a sinful temptress and even endorsed the raping of virgins in his texts?

When I finally found my way out of patriarchal religion, when I ame stumbling forth as The Goddess... I understood. I came to understand how, before the patriarchy and before the men came, Virgin meant a Wombn who was unowned and not controlled by a man. It meant the sovereignty of the Female and the feminine, the celebration of her sexuality as belonging to her alone to express however she deems worthy. And I understood, all of this, slut shaming, male sexual entitlement culture, rape culture, and victim blaming was created to absolve the predators at the expense of the womb and the Wombn.

To keep our bodies as a living sacrifice, meant to be the sacrifice for male sexual defining, privilege, abuse and terrorism. Reclaiming Virgin, remembering that the Virgin Oracle Priestess were unmarried, Matriarchal, Mother Rite loving Wombn has restored me. It has helped to heal those confusions i formerly experienced around my sexuality. It has reinvigorated my declaration that the Power of Naming belongs to the Goddess/Godis, and that the Goddess/Godis is a Living Breathing Female Being. She is you, she is me. She is immortal.

Blissed be the Virgin Wombn. She who will not submit to patriarchy, or their definitions.

The nature of who I am is changing, thus the nature of my posts will change as well. 

So I've been thinking. Like most black females (and females in general, for that matter), I was indirectly and sometimes directly raised to believe in and search for romantic love via marriage. It continues to this very day because as a Muslim woman I am told that marriage is supposedly "half of my religion". When I think about this deeply, all I can do is silently protest, yawn and roll my eyes as I realize these are the patriarchal trappings of a woman. 

It's a grave injustice to raise little girls to believe that marriage and romantic love is the goal of life. It is unfair to tell Muslim women -many, many of whom are degraded and abused by hands that are supposed to love and protect them- that marriage is half of their deen. It's wrong because it induces undeserved guilt for things that are completely out of their control. Furthermore, this social engineering of little girls to be nothing more than breeders of babies and glamorized side pieces, is destructive to the self esteem and ultimately the woman herself. Worst of all, it encourages women to be  complicit in their own dehumanization. 

Due to this dehumanization, we become content lying to ourselves. Which is why as many women age they become depressed, anxious...and subtly or not so subtly angry. I see it with Muslim women ALL THE TIME. They are nervous and MEAN, many times refusing to return the salaam or even a smile. I believe this is because of the lies they have been told compared to the reality they live, which doesn't add up and results in extreme discontent of their roles in life. 

So with that being said, I realize that I have spent FAR too much time looking for love via marriage or otherwise. It's ridiculous. And I am disgusted with the results it has produced in my life. I WISH someone had told me that marriage and motherhood were OPTIONS. I WISH that someone had seriously talked to me about college BEFORE marriage. But it didn't happen that way. I was left to figure things out the long, hard, drawn out way. And it has cost me. 

Thus, for the next 3 years I am swearing off any type of romantic love. I am swearing off trying to "fix"  or even perpetuate my marriage and instead I am going to fixate on my emotional, psychological and FINANCIAL health. Financial health is something far too many black women ignore in hopes of gaining familial, social and marital approval...that never actually manifests and instead they asked to sacrifice MORE of themselves.  

Well, I'm not going out like that. I refuse to wave a white flag and submit to patriarchy. And I BET that when I update this post in 3 years, I will be financially healthier...And happier.