The Angry Deva's Blog
Veneration of the Dark Godis is Veneration of the Whole Wombn. Our Power is in Darkness, but first wo-men have to leave our patriarchal conditioning behind - leave the father's house and his rules! Embrace the Way of the Womb!
The nature of who I am is changing, thus the nature of my posts will change as well.
So I've been thinking. Like most black females (and females in general, for that matter), I was indirectly and sometimes directly raised to believe in and search for romantic love via marriage. It continues to this very day because as a Muslim woman I am told that marriage is supposedly "half of my religion". When I think about this deeply, all I can do is silently protest, yawn and roll my eyes as I realize these are the patriarchal trappings of a woman.
It's a grave injustice to raise little girls to believe that marriage and romantic love is the goal of life. It is unfair to tell Muslim women -many, many of whom are degraded and abused by hands that are supposed to love and protect them- that marriage is half of their deen. It's wrong because it induces undeserved guilt for things that are completely out of their control. Furthermore, this social engineering of little girls to be nothing more than breeders of babies and glamorized side pieces, is destructive to the self esteem and ultimately the woman herself. Worst of all, it encourages women to be complicit in their own dehumanization.
Due to this dehumanization, we become content lying to ourselves. Which is why as many women age they become depressed, anxious...and subtly or not so subtly angry. I see it with Muslim women ALL THE TIME. They are nervous and MEAN, many times refusing to return the salaam or even a smile. I believe this is because of the lies they have been told compared to the reality they live, which doesn't add up and results in extreme discontent of their roles in life.
So with that being said, I realize that I have spent FAR too much time looking for love via marriage or otherwise. It's ridiculous. And I am disgusted with the results it has produced in my life. I WISH someone had told me that marriage and motherhood were OPTIONS. I WISH that someone had seriously talked to me about college BEFORE marriage. But it didn't happen that way. I was left to figure things out the long, hard, drawn out way. And it has cost me.
Thus, for the next 3 years I am swearing off any type of romantic love. I am swearing off trying to "fix" or even perpetuate my marriage and instead I am going to fixate on my emotional, psychological and FINANCIAL health. Financial health is something far too many black women ignore in hopes of gaining familial, social and marital approval...that never actually manifests and instead they asked to sacrifice MORE of themselves.
Well, I'm not going out like that. I refuse to wave a white flag and submit to patriarchy. And I BET that when I update this post in 3 years, I will be financially healthier...And happier.
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Writing is my Joy and Pleasure. I've been writing creative pieces, analytic pieces and empirical pieces since I learned how! I use my pen and prose to expose people to things they either don't know or never thought of. I am political, analytic, critical all things that Virgo/Gemini is. The Logos is the Eros to me. <3